bring back shame
3/11/25
Throughout my entire adolescence and early adulthood, I have struggled with remorse. I can't remember the last time I genuinely felt guilty over something I did. I usually only felt negatively over being confronted over whatever I did.
I experience shame quite a bit. I think shame is always a good thing to keep people at least seeming well-adjusted. Even then, remorse and shame borrow from each other a bit. Why am I only conscious of how others are going to perceive me? Why is that the only factor keeping me from doing something that isn't wise?
I've tried to bring this up when I was going to therapy because I really want to figure out where that mindset started. Those conversations never really went anywhere. Either my impulse control issues are that bad that I don't care about the effects, or I just have that extreme self-centeredness that plagues those who are Cluster B.
I obviously enjoy never having to feel guilty but I don't know how I feel about the common Cluster B perspective of everything being someone else's fault. Sometimes I am the problem. Not lately, but sometimes.
sensitive young man
2/5/25
In the last few months I've had some people from my past pestering me. There are a lot of people that I would like to reconnect with, and that includes none of the people who reached out. Definitely not him.
He said I was a lot more "bold" than he remembered because I would just say what I actually felt. I realized how much I had masked throughout those few months of knowing him. I had ended things because I couldn't keep up with my own lies.
I lied to him back then when I said that I liked him. I lied to him again when I said I was genuinely interested in reconnecting. I lied to him yet again when I said I would never use him. At some point he finally realized that he dodged a bullet.
He brought up my weight loss and that was great. He wished me good luck with my romantic situation and I was annoyed.
genesis
1/25/25
Before I could no longer see my therapist for insurance reasons, we were discussing a PTSD diagnosis. By the end of it, we were talking about a potential dissociative disorder. I try not to self diagnose but that conversation is one of the reasons why I've been journaling more. I have a little pocket journal and I always try to track my moods and current values.
We also talked a bit about hypersexuality and how I feel that it's probably going to ruin my life. When I actually became sexually active a couple years ago I got myself into some awful encounters. Somehow I'm less upset about the actual sexual trauma and more upset with the amount of disappointing sex I had. The sexual frustration that haunted me would nudge me towards danger, even though deep down I knew it wouldn't do anything for me. It's not fair to my psyche either.
I think that leaning towards kink removes a lot of the expectations surrounding actual pleasure. As a submissive I get to be outside of my head, controlled by an external force. The mental aftermath is always incredibly unpleasant, though.
During the dangerous periods of my hypersexuality, I felt like a completely different person. That's not an exaggeration. I felt outside of my body, observing this pale curly haired woman in very uncomfortable situations. My identity and values were suddenly going against the person actually inhabiting my body. I genuinely cannot explain it. Hence the dissociative disorder talk.
I liked the name Genesis. I hate that I accidentally assigned it to the worst side of myself.
matthew
12/??/24
I identified as transmasculine for some time when I was younger. I haven't felt that way for a few years since I realized I'm simply a woman who doesn't feel feminine a lot of the time. Regardless of what my body looks like, I will likely never be satisfied.
I went by a few names. One of those names has stuck as my online alias for seven years now. Another name was Matthew. I have always liked the sound and also saw it as a potential baby name.
From December 2021 to March 2022 I had somewhat of a psychotic episode. I was entirely convinced that I was a late 20s man named Matthew and I did something so horrible in my past life that I was reborn into the body of a suicidal bulimic young woman. During those few months I was looking to buy the perfect axe, among other things. There were also extensive plans regarding a suicide in the woods. To this day I still have the exact mental image of what I was supposed to look like.
Matthew hasn't come back since then. This period of my life is what really amped up my desire to escape to the woods, oddly enough.
a signature bracelet as a gift
12/??/24
"Retrovertigo" by Mr. Bungle started playing and I immediately started crying. It's not a song that makes me cry but it reminded me of summer.
I remember having to go to the doctor all the time because I had to get blood work done or get meds. I hated walking home through that dry field. Everything was so quiet.
I met a lot of new people and some of them were great. I showed as much of my body as I could, hoping I would feel more comfortable in my skin. I also dyed my hair brown to look more "ideal". I was incredibly hungover for my new hire training that next morning.
I hate how much I hated myself during those few months. I was in the depths of my eating disorder and would go to bed afraid that I wouldn't wake up. In August I discovered something and it made me feel physically ill. I desperately wanted to know what I was lacking. I needed to know why I was never enough.
I never want to see myself that way again.
comfortable
11/??/24
I often keep people at arm's length. I didn't realize how much I kept from others until I got closer to you. I've told you a lot. I think I've told you too many negative things and not enough about what I actually enjoy. Maybe I wasn't descriptive enough in your card. I'm not sure how to properly express this much love and admiration without looking extremely foolish.
Are you scared yet? When I first tried telling you that I loved you, you never said it back because you were "scared".
the waiting game
11/??/24
It's post-it day and I feel a buzzing in my head.
In what world would that ever matter? None of them. In my world, though, absolutely. There's a difference between my perception and objective reality though. I'm seeing the most blatantly obvious signs in front of me and I just choose to ignore them. I'm a bit of a masochist like that. I'll learn to look less deeply into meanings.
I apologize for wondering what he would have looked like or what his name would have been. I would have prayed to God that he didn't get my eyes or (especially) my nose.